8th Deadly Sin

What's Yours?

Page 2 of 2

Limerence. Holy SHIT.

“a state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria”

Do you have any idea how long I have been looking for the word that encapsulated my experience? A decade. A decade of telling people who insisted otherwise that it wasn’t love. It wasn’t love, I knew it then and I know it now. Love wants the best for the other. Love wants to recognize all the needs of the other. Love IS kind to the other. It wasn’t simple obsession, as it wasn’t one sided, it was fed. There was intent, from both sides. It wasn’t simple addiction, although if I look at the impact and my behavior, it’s the closest explanation. But what was I addicted to, exactly?

It was lightning in a bottle, the hazy chemicals of OCD and attachment security issues and a driving need swirling inside, charged from the outside.

I had no idea of what was in that damn bottle. Did he? Maybe. He reads people, manipulates outcomes for a living, and does it superbly.

Noted psychologist Albert Wakin defines limerence as a combination of OCD and addiction, like living in a state of compulsory longing.

Does it ever end? YES. I am in full recovery from my limerence episode.

Sources:

https://www.anxiety.org/limerence-and-relatonship-based-ocd-symptoms-and-treatments#:~:text=Limerence%20exists%20as%20a%20constant,similar%20to%20those%20of%20OCD.

The End, kinda

Distraction as a Strategy for Habit Breaking

Let’s play Distraction Bingo

-Solitaire or a card or board game with others. Words with Friends?

-Reach out and chat with someone, or send a text

-Mantra “cravings are temporary”

-Sleep

-Sketch or color

-Service to others. Gather food or clothing for donation. Reach out to someone lonely.

-Do a task on your hate-doing-this list.

-Make a list of dishes you always wanted to try. Create one.

-Sign up for a course, ex: Coursera, Udemy. What about the free Happiness course?

-Lose yourself in a wiki hole

-Watch a show sitting in your DVD list. It’s been waiting!

-Play catch or tug with a dog.

-Write down a favorite memory and send it to someone who would appreciate your sharing the moment.

-Clean your room

-When is the last time you cleaned your washer? Changed a furnace filter? Checked batteries? Cleaned your room, your car or your wastebaskets?

-Is your will up to date? Living or final?

-Read a book. Make a list of books you want to read.

I’ll just keep adding as I go.

Toxic Positivity in the Workplace.

Just a short story of my experience. I had a particular job, for a short time, that was a cult of positivity. Related to the customer service field. I was good, very good at this job, which I found to be difficult at this particular workplace, where previously it was relatively easy work for me, second nature.

There was no training manual. I was taught by someone who had worked there a while, and who never had a training manual themselves, and was quite offended at my asking if there were a training manual I could follow. After all, who am I to question the supreme authority of someone who worked there a long time and taught themselves the job. A job in a field where many different regulatory agencies monitored different functions, so knowing relevant law was kinda important to anyone with common sense. I’m weird I guess, thinking that an informed workplace kept up to date with a written policies and procedures they can refer to might be beneficial for a company regulated federally and by the states.

I shit you not, the only written reference we had to refer to were less than a hundred separate documents in different drives. If you wanted to research something, you have to know which drive and which document to do a Control F. And what you got was a document that was a series of notes written by different people and not reviewed by legal for accuracy, nor dated to check for redundancy to know which note superseded the other, nor often noted by who went in and wrote that shit in the first place. I am not being hyperbolic when I say my personal document files on this computer are far superior to ANY training materials available at that job. Both in organization and reliability of content.

This job was also made more difficult by the lack of continuing training as conditions altered. Training was done after a crisis or emergency, which meant time off the core job for training was limited. My previous job in a related field was heavily regulated; thank the gods for that previous experience. My new job definitely did not appreciate any suggestions I made to increase quality and regulatory compliance. It was one of those horrible workplaces where everyone was “family” and a “rock star”. I am meticulous when it comes to regulations (hello veteran habits), I take those very seriously. Policy and procedure matter, especially when one could cause the business large fines and PR issues with some mistakes. What an affront to coworkers and management that I cared.

This job also paid below the market average for the area, because they offered what they believed to be a superior pension plan.

And worst of all, for an introvert like myself, who works for money to pay bills, there was a requirement to be specifically social. Some social behavior was bad. Talking with the people nearby…oh HELL naw. I actually enjoyed trying to get to know some of the people I worked with between projects. Chatting with people nearby between calls and other work was severely frowned upon and actively discouraged. Heaven forbid if you stood up and asked a quiet question over a cubicle wall to an available person.

Lunchtime? You better be eating with your co-workers in the breakroom. After work? You better meet co-workers for drinks. Skipping a holiday party? Nope, your “family” needs you to attend. When we did have a monthly meeting for training, half of it was the extroverts putting on literal shows, dancing, costumes and other rah-rah bullshit with no relation to learning the actual job. The social rules were specific, observed and reported upon for non-compliance. Regulatory compliance? The kind you get fined tens of thousands of dollars for? Fuck alla that.

Lord did I hate that bullshit. But the worst? The requirement to always be happy. All smiles, all the time. Someone walks by your desk? Even if you are working, you better acknowledge the passer-by. Even if on a call. Every morning we would get an email from a supervisor with bullshit quotes letting us know that our happiness at our job was 100% an attitude issue. That workplace morale was tied to smiles.

Not low pay…not shit training…not abusive customers or agents. If an employee wasn’t happy, it would the fault of the employee for not having a positive attitude at all times. Every morning getting another dumb little quote, I felt a little Milton.

Two Things You Are In Total Control Of In Your Life Are Your Attitude And Your Effort.

Actually work “family”, I can control the job I have too. Bye Bye.

P.S. Fuck You, Amanda.

CBT Journaling – Assume Innocence – 2

CBT n Me Intro – First Post

Problem: Assuming the Worst

Solution: Assume Innocence.

How can we train our brains to jump to the solution and in effect, calm the turbulent waters of anxiety?

Exercise One: Changing the stories we tell ourselves that cause anxiety and/or depression.

In the past day or so, describe a situation where you felt anxiety or sadness. Write down your assumption of why that situation caused those feelings. Now take a moment, breathe, and write the story again, this time thinking about how you might interpret the situation differently, in a way that lessens or completely calms your negative feelings about the situation.

Personal Example: My MiL usually wishes me a good Veteran’s Day each year and thanks me for my service. This year, nothing. My MiL is genuinely passive aggressive, speaks it fluently as most people in the midwest of her generation can. So an absence of anything that is usually said often really does mean something.

To reframe. My MiL knows I am not used to being thanked, as female veterans are often overlooked, and I have mentioned that while I appreciate the sentiment and know it comes from a loving place, I do not require it. My MiL also knows I have been having a stressful time of late, and could be giving me space. It’s possible that she is peeved with me for some reason, and honestly, that is about her, her boundaries and feelings and not something I should take personally or try to control. I do not have to be a monkey in her circus.

I find this exercise very helpful. Prompt yourself to reframe with the phase “Assume Innocence” and tell yourself a different story that puts you in the shoes of the other person. Take a moment to reflect on the myriad explanations for their behavior that you may not have considered at first blush of ire or anxiety. Like any mechanism of habit building, if you do this enough, it will become second nature. It is a resource you can utilize right away to help reassert some calm in your mind and body.

I hope you found my example helpful. I do have more personal and impactful examples, but I am a pretty private person. You might find some of my examples trite and lacking significance. I am ok with that. My only goal is to give you a real world model to use for your own healing. Thank you for reading!

The End

Bloggin’ – Winnin’

okay okay okay, I swear on my kids this is true. With the ease of photoshop, not sure it will help by posting screenshots. Probably will, for my own record.

I belong to twelve NFL Fantasy leagues. Why 12? Because during that prime drafting week, when fighting off night cravings, I would just draft another league as a distraction. It helped, September was a fantastic month health-wise. In the NFL Fantasy app, I could only have six teams so I have two accounts with six teams under each.

This past week? I won ALL TWELVE of my fantasy football leagues. 100% win record. WINNING. The closest I’ve gotten before was two weeks prior when I won ten of twelve leagues. Week before that was my worst week, I only won five leagues.

DUDE I WON ALL OF MY LEAGUES!!!

I won half my leagues last year so some of the leagues this year are Winner’s Circle and the rest are the standard.

The List, Current Standings:

  1. fedaykin 2nd
  2. bengesserit 1st
  3. mentat 9th
  4. House Atreides 1st
  5. Sin Cave 3rd
  6. Cute Lil Pupper 5th
  7. Stafford’s Other Wife 5th
  8. fremen 2nd
  9. puppygiggles 2nd
  10. stupidautodraft 4th
  11. myvanhascandy 10th
  12. SashaClub 6th

Yeah I like Dune.

Sasha Club is based on one of my favorite SNL skits. I am in my husband’s phone as Sasha Club. https://youtu.be/TzWi33Z8Nvc

I like my dog. Yeah, he’s my avatar.

Sin Cave is another word for vagina. I was clearly the only and last open spot on a draft with a bunch of dude bros that know each other, per the comments in chat and the team names. I mean, how could I NOT go there. So I really want to win that league. One dude keeps changing his team name to anti-liberal shit. I am ahead of him right now. Playing him this week and I hope to beat his ass in playoffs too, if he gets there.

Yeah, petty is my favorite color.

CBT and Me – 1

CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a mechanism of therapy designed to work with the client in the now, instead of spending time and anxiety rehashing the past and the subconscious.  This therapeutic method is intended to reframe thoughts that set one back from achieving their healthier selves.  As I am convinced of the mind-body connection, I consider CBT a valuable tool for physical health as well as mental health.

CBT arose from the work of Aaron T. Beck during his research on depression.  What I find appealing about his story is his background was his training in psychoanalysis.  Often people will come to a new idea without the background in current therapies.  His background gave him a control or comparison to challenge the success of his new therapy.  Cognitive Therapy became Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as he made further connections between thoughts and behavior.  ANT’s – Automatic Negative Thoughts, common for those of us who are impacted by anxiety and OCD, are challenged as they come.  CBT works to alter maladaptive behaviors happening now, not sitting in the muck of what was.

Why CBT for me?

CBT assists clients to identify negative thought processes, create a personalized goal-setting environment with the involvement of the client, allowing for self-therapy.  My experiences with traditional therapy, where the therapeutic method requires talking about my past with a passionless, motionless listener made me feel ignored, like an experiment instead of a person.  I rarely discuss my past issues with anyone, so when I do, it’s critical I have a safe, warm and supportive space to do so.  The clinical examination process of psychoanalysis doesn’t work for me and even now, is recommended by doctors, which is frustrating.  So I have taken my therapy into my own hands, with success beyond what I have ever imagined.

Many segments of the therapy community are recognizing that for people with anxiety and OCD, holistic therapies and therapies that do not require more past trauma plopped on the conveyer belt of intrusive thoughts will better serve the client.

I am that client.

I’ll work through some exercises and share parts as I go.

The End.


thoughts – Clams Casino I’m God

Not the dish. Clams, cooked in white wine, breaded and served in the shell.

I am talking about the music producer. I particular, the song I’m God. I came across a reference to the song in a reddit thread, where I find most of the music I am into these days (King Princess, Alt J). It’s my zone music. Having legit, diagnosed and medicated OCD, in particular the torment of intrusive thoughts, music is the rare balm for my busy mind. The hamster stops her frenetic spinning on the wheel, and lays down.

Clams Casino’s I’m God track, found on streaming platforms on the Instrumental Relics album, seems to be a magnet for those who mourn. The song is associated with two possible suicides, which, if you are into more research, you can read more about here.

https://www.vice.com/en/article/pkyebn/clams-casinos-cult-song-im-god

I simply found it mesmerizing, the song allows me to relax, mentally and bodily. I can sink into my desk chair and just relax, following the melodic hills and valleys. Sometimes I’ll start meow meow meow meow meow meowing to one of the melodies and smile. Listen to the song, you’ll know exactly what I am referencing. The song does have a melancholy feel, if you are inclined to feel that way when you are listening. I certainly get it, and would feel it if I weren’t so particular about protecting myself from life’s sadder influences at this point in my life. The track samples Imogen Heap’s Just for Now, another artist who creates the type of music that makes one sad and introspective. Her music is another addiction of mine.

My spouse mentioned it sounds like woo-woo spa music, so I give him massages while it plays. There is one video on youtube that has it on replay for an hour straight. The song helps clear my mind before bed, and is often the last song I listen to after an evening of music bingeing.

The End

What is your Tears in Rain Speech?

You are on the roof of life, knowing you are about launch from it, in spectacular fashion. Or perhaps fade away silently at top of your world, as Ray Batty did.

Your 42 word monologue that succinctly captures your life. What would it say? If someone else wrote it, what would they say about your life and the impact your life had on theirs?

The original, from the 1982 Ridley Scott film Blade Runner. Actor Rutger Hauer.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

Just something on my mind.

Art South Dakota – Eastern & Sioux Falls

My favorite pictures of my children show them artfully arranged in front of our favorite sculptures in downtown Sioux Falls.    Each year, we take a visit to Sioux Falls and walk downtown, allowing each child to choose their favorite sculpture to be photographed with.  It is hard to pass up the opportunity to showcase both my children and the art along the sculpture walk; as a result, we have many treasured photographs hung in the family halls featuring both. Including some unique graduation photos of a treasured son posing with that year’s bounty of transient art.

Sculpture Walk is one of the highest rated Things-To-Do items recommended to tourists at TripAdvisor.com, for this area.  No surprise, really, as anyone who spends 20 minutes trying to catch a good parking spot downtown in the summer can attest to.  There are now sculpture parks in other cities in South Dakota.  The Porter sculpture park near Montrose is visible from the I-90.  Watertown, SD also hosts an Artwalk featuring many pieces of sculpture. The Brookings Art Festival in July is often a family destination of ours, as we have family in the area as well.

Downtown Sioux Falls is also home to a few art galleries beyond the recognized Washington Pavilion.  Downtown Sioux Falls is the location of many art focused events.   Downtown Sioux Falls www.dtsf.com often hosts art related activities in collaboration with local businesses.  The City Sketch Crawl is one of those events.  A glance at the website demonstrates both the talent of the artists and the success of the experience.

There are numerous online resources for our local artists and for those of us who wish to support their endeavors.  Both Arts South Dakota https://artssouthdakota.org/ and South Dakota Arts Council www.artscouncil.sd.gov/ provide a treasure trove of information about both new and established artists. There are numerous galleries that showcase art of the indigenous peoples of the area. The Dakotas are home to numerous tribes and their artistry is the crucial part of the Midwest culture. One resource is http://aktalakota.stjo.org/

University campuses around the state provide access to static and traveling expositions.  Social media, such as Facebook, and Instagram, serve as a valuable marketing resource, as do personal blogs that provide on outlet for local art promotion.

Art, for us, is a family activity.  Not only are many art events accessible to all ages, they are promoted as family friendly.  Take a moment to page through the latest edition of the community education catalog.  There are free and low cost classes for many different artistic interests.  I would love everyone embrace their inner artist.

Years back, our family attended an Art Maze.  The first of its kind, it showcased a large number of local artists working in multiple creative disciplines.  Installation, sculpture, photography, graffiti, painting and myriad other forms of expression were all represented.  The opportunity to turn a four-story building into a labyrinth of artistic expression was not to be missed.  The continued growth of Sioux Falls is likely to present other opportunities for local creative folks to share the efforts of their work.  We walked away with a greater appreciation for the talent of all the contributing artists.  A few of the artists whose ingenuity left a lasting impression on me personally:  Jana Anderson, Kevin Caraway, Carly Zebell and Cameron Stalheim.

The walls of my home showcase many works of art, most of them are works created by local artists. With so many artists in Siouxland looking for interested eyes, an afternoon of artistic appreciation is only a few miles away. 

The End.

Resources:

http://www.sdartists.net/sdaa-2021-sketch-crawl.html

Dune Movie 2021 – Review

**SPOILERS** My initial notes, first viewing. **SPOILERS**

Seriously, it’s a movie review. Means I discuss specifics of the movie.

Fan Profile: This review is upon my first viewing, on the television at home. No surround sound. I have read Dune twice, but not recently. I am familiar with yet not a true Sci-fi/Fantasy nerd. I am, however, sci-fi curious.

One of the first scenes in the movie, introducing the Harkonnen and the fremen. The fremen at one with the sand as they attack. You wonder if at first if the attacker a baby worm, as the movement references an emergence of the worm seen in previews and is initially cloaked. Yet it’s human. Was it Jamis? If so, I like how the movie began and ended with a Jamis scene. It helps show, not tell, how Jamis at his core was a fighter without devoting more time to the character. If that was him*

I expected the Voice to be the same as Lynch’s dune. It was very similar yet I appreciated Villanueve’s version. I rather liked Lynch’s version of the voice. And Villeneuve’s tactic of adding instruction from Jessica to Paul on how to hone his voice for maximum effect was a worthy addition to the film and added a bit of distance from the Lynch version. Well done!

Set and costume design? Is there any competition from other films that will take that Oscar from Villeneuve’s Dune? There was art or literature reference in almost every room. The set design was meant to capture the imagination of the viewer who can see our human history reflected through centuries of creative expression. I have seen critiques that the set designs were too austere. Take another look. Every pause is a work of art. People reflect in their environment their version of power. The Harkonnen do not view humanity, art, literature as a reflection of wealth. Wealth is war and death and power. That “wealth” IS reflected in the environment of Giedi Prime. I am unsure why one would expect sculpture or opulence in the Harkonnen world, where they clearly do not value it.

I loved how the flow of the water matched the flow of the sand. The movement of the worm mimics the movement of a humpbacked whale through water.

The last part of the Caladan scenes, as he says goodbye to his homeworld, Paul touches the sand. Putting his hand through water to run the sand of Caladan through his fingers. I loved that detail. Sand is the base of our oceans, our rivers and streams. In the natural world, sand and water are often the ying and yang of natural features. Water molds sand as Paul will mold Arrakis.

Communication through eyes. Speech is used sparingly and verbal communication is intentionally secondary to body language, sign language when communication is critical, and the looks that pass between characters that say more than the following words can. I appreciated the use of cloaks to mask the eyes and scarves to accentuate them. The Bene Gesserit in particular, do much with eye communication. The mentat Thufir, his eyes rolling back when making a calculation, was a brilliant touch. Sight runs through all, as it was a primary theme in the book by Herbert.

The imagery of Caladan references the masculinity of old southern Europe. Grandfather died fighting the bulls and the bull iconography is referenced throughout the movie. Very Spain. In the Atreides graveyard there was a southern European feel. Duke Leto brushes off a relief that reveals Romanesque imagery. The coast of Caladan evokes the Amalfi coast of Italy. The reliefs, Roman to my eye, repeat in the war room. Bulls head – male. Death of the patriarchy/traditional Atreides power through the introduction of female Bene Gesserit interference? I am still deciding if this is too woke, processing my feelings about it. Hold this thought…

Giedi Prime , the imagery is a repeat of blades as doors open. I wonder if that motif will be continued as we see more of the Harkonnen world in the second installment. Remember in Lynch’s Dune, how the blade emerges from Sting’s suit? The blade-like opening of the Giedi Prime door reminded me of that scene.

Bene Gesserit foreshadowing introduces round elements. Transports resemble eggs. A round door opens for the Bene Gesserit when it is often closed to others. Costuming emphasizes the round feminine face of the Bene Gesserit while other elements are cloaked. Eggs are an obvious choice to indicate a female influence or presence, in shape and in their strength and weakness and of course, reproductive purpose. Jessica’s arrival on Arrakis, she looked like a Faberge egg, gilded, protected and displayed for beauty.

I am fairly confident that the inference that the fremen represented the Middle East is obvious and caught by all who viewed the film. The pyramid structure on the shield wall, the references to the Messiah, the desert garb of the fremen, the town next to the shield wall resembling Cappadocia, the city in Turkey. The sand. An easy theme in Herbert’s book for any director to replicate.

It seems that the humans in Herbert and Villeneuve’s world want to move about like animals do. The Thopters = dragonflies. The harvester lifters/balloon ships = jellyfish. The transport ships at the very beginning of the movie reminded me of coconut crabs. Coconut crabs Giger would create.

The Imperial world was introduced quickly but distinctly. The references were very North Europe Christian. The red blood to mark the warriors on bended knee, as in the Crusades. A man who reminded me of a religious figure issuing orders from a tower. It all felt starkly referenced, to my eye.

I liked very much the character of Dr. Liet Kynes. The book gave her a bigger role than we saw in Lynch’s Dune, I an glad Villeneuve gave time and attention to that character. I love that the stabbing that maimed her spilled water, not blood. She was given an honorable death.

Baron bathing in literal oil, the evil of hoarding and worshipping a resource. A nod to a primary theme in Herbert’s DUNE.

Chani calls Paul a boy. He takes a life, becomes a man. Walks away from his mother, though a path of men’s hands on his person in solemn congratulations and acceptance. I have always wished there were modern rites of passage.


I was most excited about the references to art scatter throughout the film. Some of the transports were reminiscent of Giger, including the dark world of Giedi Prime. The body of Duke Leto, reclining in that chair reminded me immediately of the painting The Death of Marat by artist Jacques-Louis David. The French Revolution transitioned royalty to commoner…if you survived. Well, it seemed an obvious reference imo. I loved it. Considering immediately afterward, there was a vision of Paul fighting in a fremen suit of armor that resembled armor of the Sun King King Louis XIV period.

Another reference to art was the scene where Dr. Liet Kynes is escaping. Right before her death she encounters the walls of sandstone. Right away, something about the walls gave me the vision of the Buddha of Bamiyan, destroyed by the Taliban in 2001. I wonder if that reference was intentional or just me looking for the symbolism I enjoy so much. The relief behind Paul in the palace on Arrakis brings to mind the innumerable paintings of koi fish.

The vision of The Baron rising in his gray cloak seemed much like the art of a particular Dune cover artist who created artwork of Leto Atreides II for God Emperor of Dune. Considering the bloodline between Leto II and The Baron, I like the reference.

Each second of the film is a painting.

Each viewing, I will find more.

Critiques? Not many. The references of the fremen to the middle east were a bit obvious to me, but they were obvious in the book as well. I think I really appreciate symbolism and subtlety, which for a long saga any film maker is required to condense within a budget, isn’t the easiest task.

I wanted orange sand. Fremen blue contrasted with a true deep orange would have been stunning visually. Even Jessica wasn’t as obvious a redhead as I expected. The red hair of the Harkonnen line is meant to be vivid and memorable. Then entire Villeneuve world is muted. Including the blue-in-blue eyes.

The soundtrack was good. But it should have been Lorn!!! His music is so dark, so alien…it was made for this film.

https://youtu.be/CqaAs_3azSs or https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ

His shit makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Excited for Part II!

You may have noticed a lot of comparison to the Lynch version of the movie. Note to the gatekeepers- I *love* Lynch’s Dune. I saw the movie before I read the books. I was a little girl when I first watched the movie with my dad. I had no interest in science fiction prior. I am still mad at Lynch that he doesn’t like to claim the movie. What a way to shit on the actors who performed superbly and those of us who love the Dune universe he expressed on screen. So yeah, hate the Lynch version all you want, I have an emotional attachment to the work. *steps off soapbox*

NOTES: Will need to watch again to confirm a few details and look for more art references. And because I like the movie. A-

The End

Newer posts »

© 2021 8th Deadly Sin

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑

Skip to content